No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
