I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
