I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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