are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i will never coherently bang her
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
