You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
