We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
