Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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