I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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