I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
