Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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