I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
