he told me I talked like a deaf person
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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