Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
