I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
