I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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