I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
