I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she smelled like a LAN party
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
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