Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
