my phone needs a breathalizer
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
