threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I AM VODKA MAN
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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