Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
