If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
