Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
