i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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