I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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