just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
