Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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