He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
