Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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