I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
