some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
