If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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