mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
