3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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