my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
