I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
