made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
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She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
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And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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