I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
