saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
