umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
