you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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