Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
