haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Let's get the cat blown out
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
