i would punch a child for taco bell
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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