even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
