You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
