R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I intend to get homeless drunk
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
