I wanna passion pit in your ass
he was CRYING into my vagina
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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