Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
