gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
