i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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