im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
