Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
