U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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