How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
