Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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