dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
