p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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