do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
