I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
