well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
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Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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