wrigley field is MILF paradise
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
